the day you never think will come

Many years ago I recall telling a friend, “If I ever hit 300lbs, I’ll kill myself.” This morning I step on the scale to find I weigh 298.2.

1.8 lbs away from the day I never thought would come. I love my life, I love my friends, my family. I have a career that I am passionate about and a bright and talented daughter who means the entire world to me. I couldn’t imagine leaving her without a mother, I couldn’t imagine taking my own life because I have reached an arbitrary number on the scale.

But the truth is, every day I climb closer and closer to 300lbs, I am taking my own life. Not because 300 is some magic or tragic number, but because I feel more joint pain in my knees, experience more back spasms, because my mobility decreases with each pound that I add to my body. The heart palpitations, shortness of breath, and the convincing feeling that I have probably already suffered a mini-stroke.

Now I feel like I have been on one never ending diet since I was 12. I remember taking slim-fast to school in a thermos along with carrot sticks when I was in 7th grade. I don’t want to be on a diet anymore. I don’t want to feel somehow different because I can’t eat like a “normal” person. But I don’t want to gain another 1.8lbs either.

It is not a new year’s resolution, or a competition or challenge. I want to live. So if I wake up on morning and the scale has reached or tipped 300lbs, I won’t kill myself, but I am going to stop killing myself today. I love my life and choose to live it and maximize its potential by making better choices.

Being honest about the my problem is hopeful the first step.


One thought on “the day you never think will come

  1. Kayla Hoffman

    I love that you are honest. It makes you real. You are not the only person feeling this way. If you ever need an accountability partner or a group of people who you can connect with I can help you out!


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