Ok right to the point. While with my ex, I developed some pretty bad habits. The obvious, I packed on the pounds. This happens in a lot of relationships. But for me it wasn’t about “we’re comfortable” or “I eat to keep up with him.” Nope. Not at all. I ate & ate & ate to make myself unattractive to him & anyone else that might’ve been lookin’. Why? you ask. Well because I didn’t want him to touch me. I subconsciously yet intentionally (can you even do that?) wanted to be unattractive to keep him away. But guess what, he didn’t care about the weight.
I stopped focusing on my appearance at all. Proclaimed “I’m low maintenance.” But anyone who knows me knows I’m pretty uptight about a fair number of things. I’m the only person on earth who thinks I’m low maintenance. So no makeup, no nice clothes, I stopped wearing skirts and dresses altogether. I became a jeans and t-shirt gal, wearing pajama bottoms like it was my job, and became queen of all things elastic waistband. I tried to render myself as undesirable as possible.
The end result.
I convinced MYSELF of all those lies. Now I’m stuck trying to undue all the damage I did to my own self esteem. It’s almost humiliating except for it is kinda karmically perfect. I made myself unpretty and then believed it. So here’s hoping that it works in reverse. That I can let down the walls and not hide behind fat. I might even buy a dress & put on some lipstick & mascara.
Woah…did I say lipstick…that has been a long time.
Here’s to bringing sexy back.
Thanks for reading.