Monthly Archives: March 2013

A primaveral blog post

The most unexpected thing happened…

After two weeks of unimpressive numbers, PMS, then the MS itself. I just sorta woke up and the funk was gone. Not only was the funk gone, but when I looked in the mirror I was in love with the person looking back at me. I was impressed by her tenacity. I thought her eyebrows had a nice arch. I found her giving and forgiving. I thought damn she has great hair and remarkably clear skin. I didn’t think she was flawless or perfect, but I knew her to be witty and passionate and with a¬†capacity¬†for love that even she underestimates.

It just happened that I woke up and had forgiven myself for the bad choices of yesterday. I wore a skirt without leggings or spanx for the first time in at least 5 years. I tried nobly to flirt with a boy or two. I ordered a malibu & pineapple juice at the bar and calmly tracked the points.

I just woke up and didn’t know how I got from where I was yesterday to this new place, but I’m not gonna ask to many questions. And maybe this euphoria is fleeting, but I haven’t felt this good about myself quite possibly ever, but certainly not as an adult.

I also have written 3 new pieces (I’m a poet/storyteller remember), and shared an older piece with people I barely know.

I’m the vortex.

And as we all know, “after winter must come spring”


Fall Back, Spring Forward

A few years ago, the mysterious powers that be decided that the Daylight Savings period of the year should be longer. This sun worshipping California native with a thing for mood enhancing vitamin D was thrilled. I don’t much follow the science of it, but I know once a year we fall back and once a year we spring forward.

How apropos that tomorrow we spring forward, when this past week I felt like I fell back. I fell back into a few old habits, I fell back into pizza, mozzarella sticks, hot fudge topping, bread, and Malibu & pineapple juice.

Here’s the thing that will prompt your “ain’t nobody got time for that reflex,” last week I lost 1.4 pounds. On the program I’m on (weight watchers) it’s recommended that we lose between .5-2 pounds a week, so I’m at the higher end. Great! Also WW, being an accountability program, not necessarily a food restricted diet allows me to spend my daily & weekly points pretty much however I choose (the program operates on a point system blah blah blah). I did not end the week in the red. I still had a handful of spare points. But it felt like a close call. I felt like I failed.

All week I felt like I was fighting against myself. Temptation felt ever present and more than once I fell. The weight loss is good…who am I kidding, it’s frickin GREAT! And yeah I did it in a week when I had froyo, booze, fried cheese, and my arch nemesis pizza. That would have made a past version of me so happy, “I can still eat the foods I love…” But I don’t wanna love those foods anymore, I don’t wanna play Russian roulette with the shit that got me to this size in the first place. I just felt like I was somehow beating the system. Like I was cheating and if I didn’t reign it in I would spiral out of control.

I know people say everything in moderation, but for some of us that isn’t true. Some of us have to give up certain things, say goodbye to a vice maybe even a friend. So on my excel spreadsheet last week was a success, but emotionally I fell. It was scary, I was scared, standing in the quick sand of “if I order that second slice…”

I’m tired of feeling out of control or at the mercy of food. So that was my one fall back for the year (positive thinking people). Here’s to springing forward this week.

Thanks for reading

I haven’t had a donut in 77 days…

So I am 77 days OP. 77 days clean. Sober. There isn’t really a list of things for me to say I haven’t had in 77 days. When you overeat it doesn’t work quite the same as saying I haven’t had a drink. Here is what I can tell you. Since joining weight watchers on December 14, 2012, I haven’t eaten over my point allowance in any week. Not once. I’ve had some tough days in which I didn’t make the best choices. I’m still learning that part. Like 1oz of cheez-its is hardly worth it and really just a trigger for me. I haven’t had much ice cream, but there was that one day. I still crave sweets and potato chips and french fries and a whole lot of bad shit. I mostly don’t eat it. Mostly.

So what I can say is that I haven’t had a donut in 77 days. Not one. Some days I wonder if I’ll ever eat a donut again. I wish losing weight was as easy as just giving things up. Maybe you’re lenting something right now. 40 days without whatever, and once you get there, it really wasn’t so bad right? Well I am perpetually lenting…but not food. I haven’t had a donut in 77 days, but that isn’t what is going to get me to my weight goal or keep me there. What I have to give up is the fear, doubt, negative self talk, feelings of inadequacies. That is what is really at stake here. Donut schmonut, a fried piece of dough covered in a sugar glaze has no power over me. Some days it feels like it, like chocolate is the new God, but really it’s just chocolate.

So I can’t say I haven’t had one bad thought about myself in 77 days, or felt like a failure, or unattractive or unloveable. I have and worse. But in those 77 days I haven’t turned to food in excess to solve a problem hunger didn’t cause. What do the say, it takes 10,000 hours of practice to master something…77 days ain’t even close. But I’m in training…training for my life.

Thanks for reading.