Monthly Archives: May 2013

Skinny bitches be rude…

That’s me trying a provocative title mostly, but seriously this week I have realized that in order to be successful and go the distance, there are going to be times/situations/circumstances that require that I put myself first. Now I’m not going to pretend that I’m one whose generosity abounds, but I can be a little passive at times. This comes from a serious habit of trying to repress my anxiety and type A+ personality (a whole ‘nother post on that ish in the future). So basically I wanna seem chill and laid back, so I go with the flow.

I’m realizing at 21 weeks OP, that I am really in this. That this is really about (here comes the cliche… *sigh*) lifestyle changes. I’m counting points, I write down every single thing I put in my mouth, I don’t take a day off. Even if I eat a bazillion points (which is more than any human is allowed for those not familiar with the weight watchers program) I write it all down. So yes, out at a restaurant, or out for drinks, I pull out my phone and type away. I’m not tweeting, texting (mostly not texting), or on fb. Just writing down my food. And sometimes I do it the old fashioned way, pen to paper. But I’m going to do it. At the table, while we eat, and I’m not going to care that folks think it’s rude. I am learning how to take care of myself.

Someone said to me a few days ago, “you sure have a lot of can’ts.” It’s true. So do alcoholics, diabetics, people with gluten allergies, and kids who go to nut free schools. It’s a fact of life. So yes, you will hear me say, “I can’t eat that.” That’s a personal choice. I have no food allergies, but I have a goal. So maybe I’m no fun cause I won’t booze it up with you on a Tuesday night, or you don’t like that I must track my meal at the dinner table. We ain’t gotta kick, and skinny bitches be rude sometimes.

This thing of darkness I Acknowledge mine

I haven’t blogged in 3 weeks. Yikes! The upside is that my lack of posts has nothing to do with my stick-to-it-tivy. I’m still working my program and have lost over 40 pounds.

I haven’t blogged because I’ve been busy. Can you imagine? No time to sit and write a little creative non-fiction. At first I thought, “well clearly I haven’t blogged because I’m on top of my shit. I have no issues to unpack, and since I promised no asinine recipes or cray photos, the blog can wait.” Then this happened.

Now I am no where in this photo, but someone on an internet forum said the person on the left (an actor in costume) looked like me. Now that’s some bullshit. But the suggestion caused me to get real with myself about perception. How I perceive myself and to what extent I care how others perceive me.

A co-relative yet independent event happened. In the midst of some non-diet related diversity and inclusion training, I had a breakdown. Now I believe that breakdowns equal breakthroughs (work with me on this one), so I’m thankful.

We worked on this pie chart of privilege and I quickly realized that of race, age, gender, nationality, class, religion, ability, sexual orientation, I experience little privilege. Some, but little. We then did the good ole authority, power, and influence game during which I discovered that I play small.

That made me cry.

So back to the picture…I know I don’t look like the actor in that photo (who happens to be a 20 year old young man). But I often FEEL like I do. So I BEHAVE like I do. You know, the “so you think, so you feel, so you do” adage…

When I meet new people I’m a bit reserved. I tell people I’m shy, an introvert, and those that really know me are like “really?” I get it now, I play small. I try to make myself invisible until I have assessed a situation and ensured that it is “safe.” This safety resting in the ability of my humor, wit, or intelligence to outshine my fear, doubt, and inadequacies.

I don’t didn’t think I am was good enough. EVER. F that ish. Imma play like Viola Davis is in my ear telling me I’m kind and smart.

I hope to maybe blog about other more exciting things like the book recommendations I have received since I’ve started this journey. Or the impact I’ve had on a few friends who have started their own weight loss journeys on the WW plan.