So I am back. I felt compelled to write this post because last night was THE WORST. It was like the night a few years ago that motivated me to start this blog. So let me quickly recap my year plus absence. In November of 2013 I passed out. On my kitchen floor. Unexplainably. I was scared. I stopped working out. Because physical activity lead to the same sensations I experienced before blacking out, I just stopped.
Six months after that I received word that I got my dream job. I stopped tracking meals. I blamed stress and relocating and an inability to priortize “dieting.” I should note that in that time I experienced a few more black outs, a witness described one as actually being a seizure. I don’t know. I still haven’t seen a doctor.
So I move, I start a new job, enroll my daughter in a new school, all in a new state (again for us). And I officially quit weight watchers because I’m not tracking and just wasting my money. However I do recognize the need to continue a weight loss journey, and to build physical endurance and stamina if I want to be effective at my job. I try a ketogenic diet…until I go on vacation.
We usher in 2015 and my proactive thoughts have gone to the wayside because things ramp up at work. I’ just too busy. But I’m also weezing every night as I walk to my car, and I’m out of breath carrying my groceries up the single flight of stairs to my house. I’m crying because I think I can’t keep up, and honestly I can’t. I realize I have regained half the weight I’d previously lost and I’m angry at myself for losing so much ground. I rejoin weight watchers because the only times I have lost significant amounts of weight I was on the point system.
So last night. Last night I ate a cheeseburger, french fries, and had a milkshake. I was waaaay over my point allowance, but beyond that I over ate. I felt myself overeating. I knew when I reached my full moment and kept eating anyway. And so of course I felt ill, I felt guilt, shame, and broke out in a sweat. The desire to purge became overwhelming. I count myself lucky that I don’t feel the impulse to purge as often as I once did despite the fact that I often overeat. But as someone who once purged, it is something I struggle with on occasion. Last night was the WORST I can ever remember it being.
I’m proud to report, I didn’t purge. I am still ashamed that I over ate and concerned about its affect on my goals for this week. So there is still so much work to be done. So so much. My disordered eating is something I rarely talk about and I have never sought help for it. I am not a seeking help type, but I thought at the very least, I could use this medium to own it out loud. To confess (maybe seek absolution). I have triggers, daily stressors, major life changing events on the horizon and it could get worse. I don’t want it to. I am aware of that potential. I am commited to taking it one meal at a time.